I've been prompted to introduce myself so thought I'd take a shot at it.
I had several girlfriends, sometimes simultaneously, until I met the "woman of my dreams". We had a torrid affair and after several months we married. Two years later, we had our first child but by then the honeymoon was over. We always got along well but the differences in our personalities, intellect, dreams, ambitions and favorite pastimes became pronounced. I rationalized that no one is perfect and that a good marriage requires certain compromises, accepted it all as just part of married life and - because the sex was always awesome and our combined incomes provided everything we desired - resolved to be a good husband and father. We had two more kids, raised them well and strong and continued in our "content" mode for 30 years, though I always longed for the days when I was single and free to date whomever I pleased. This longing to enjoy the company of a variety of women manifested only in an increasing submerged resentment on my part for the mundanity of our existence. She had her career and I had mine. And both of us being Type As, we poured our souls into them, working all hours and only seeing each other briefly in the morning and before sleep. We did take steps to ensure we spent some "quality time" together on the weekends - even had a "date night." But such dates were more like a meeting of the family Board of Directors, conversations centering on kids, bills, work, etc. - a great partnership as managers and bedmates, but bereft of any real romance and adventure. My attempts at same were much appreciated and enjoyed, but our underlying personality differences on that score belied them as the charades they actually were. This set the stage for both of us having long unfulfilled needs, needs that could not be fulfilled through each other.
Simultaneous to the 2008 economic downturn, she had a several month long affair and reported it to me after she had ended it for the good of our marriage. Almost overnight, both our careers were in ruin as well as our long "contended" marriage. We went through counseling and tried to fix something we had put so much of our lives into. But the more we dug down deep into the causes and unexpressed feelings, the more it became clear to me our fundamental incompatibility with respect to each other and, for me, with respect to the upper middle-class treadmill lifestyle she treasured. Both events ripped away the social veneer we had worked so hard to maintain, and exposed who we really are without it. It also brought to light for me why I had remained in it for so long. More than mere convenience, companionship and possession, there was the fear of losing same. I had compromised my personal freedom and autonomy for them, and her, and had failed to embrace the fact that I had regretted it ever since. Facing those fears as the mere shadows they actually were, and re-engaging with who I actually am, made them evaporate.
Although it was stressful and painful to confront the fact that one's entire life is merely a hard-won facade, it is truly liberating. Despite her great anguish, regret and professed love me for me, now that the kids were all grown and independent I decided that we should go our separate ways. Though she did not ask, I gave her all of our worldly possessions - material things that I now viewed as merely burdensome old baggage accumulated as part of a delusion - and, taking not more than the weight limit for international flights, took off for foreign shores to fully regain perspective.
It has been 4 years now and, though living a minimalist lifestyle, I have met many incredible women, a few of which I maintain ongoing relations.
When a man realizes that it is his evolutionary nature to lead his own life without compromise and have or not have as many women in his life as he chooses and at his discretion, many of the problems causing much of the angst expressed on this sight evaporate, as does women's behavior toward him.
I am glad to be among friends.
Source: dating-coach-anita.blogspot.com
"Sometimes it's hard to be a woman" was the opening lyric of the song "Stand By Your Man", sung so passionately by Dolly Parton.
Maybe so, but in the opening decades of the 21st Century, it is even harder to be a man.
The male of the species is in a rapid, spiralling decline in every area of his life and there are frequent articles in books, newspapers and other publications that talk of a "Masculinity Crisis", a "Boy Crisis" and one book has even claimed that, at their current rate of decline, men are fast becoming the "new women".
Every day it seems, there is an article that proclaims that women are better at something or other than men and other articles that illustrate how far men are lagging behind their sisters, and are falling further and further behind.
Men, it is now openly stated, are now the weaker sex. More boy babies than girls die in infancy or are sickly, women typically live several years longer than a man born in the same year as them, men cope less well with stress and find it harder to manage and process their emotions than women. Women have higher levels of endurance than men, which will one day enable them to do the unthinkable, to compete against and defeat men in the Olympics or in football and other high profile sports that have been the preserve of men for so long.
One hundred years ago, or even as recently as forty years ago, anyone who made a claim that females were the stronger sex would have been ridiculed. Back then, more males than females went on to further education and the workplace was completely male dominated. The norm was that a man got an education, got a job and then married a woman who was usually less well educated than himself, and whose role was to keep house for him and raise their children. His role was as provider and hers was as nurterer and homemaker.
But what has happened in the last thirty or so years is that "the norm" is slowly, but surely, being turned on its head. The reasons for this are numerous: Feminist agitation, bringing on increased educational opportunities for women, affirmative action in favour of women, changes in the law, a greatly changed global economy that demands different skills than in the past and the failure of men to adapt to a post-industrial world.
To be sure, even in a century that promises to be the century where women at last asserted their superiority over men, women still face problems, such as continuing discrimation and sexual harassment, and they have to now resolve the issue of balancing their careers with having children. Women are still victims of the gender pay gap and the glass ceiling is still in place.
But, despite these problems and issues, women are generally doing a lot better than men in the education system and in the economy. Men are facing problems that are undermining their traditional roles and even their identity. Men, in short, are in crisis.
Men's problems begin even before they are born. Once the sex of a baby is determined, boy and girl babies' brains take very different routes. The male brain, saturated by testosterene, is geared more towards aggression and sex, whilst in the female brain, communication and multi-tasking skills are greatly enhanced.
As a result, girls have a wider vocabulary and a longer focus than boys. They also mature earlier than boys so that by the time a boy and girl set foot in a classroom for the first time, she is already way ahead of him in reading, writing and verbal communication skills.
The advantages enjoyed by a boy over a girl are few. He has more upper body strength and has the edge in visual-spatial skills, a leftover skill from the days when the boy's distant ancestors still hunted woolly mamooths for food.
From day one at school, on average, girls, due to their greater maturity, self-control and focus, do better than boys at school in the current learning by rote method employed by schools. Under this system, boys become restless, easily distracted and disruptive, and as a result fall further and further behind their girl classmates. Girls are a pleasure to teach because they are attentive, obedient and diligent. They often take more time preparing their work than boys and pay close attention to detail, traits that will stand them in good stead for when they enter the workplace.
Boys, however, are regarded by the education system as a nightmare by comparison.
From being a minority of college students, university undergraduates, graduates and post-graduates in the late 1970's, women now comprise a solid majority. Males are dropping out of the education system at an increasing rate and it is predicted that if the drop out rate continues, the last male student will collect his high school diploma in 2068.
Male academic underachievement has become so widespread across the globe that there is much talk of a "Boy Crisis" and concerns that half of the population will leave school without an adequate education to equip them to be the workers that the 21st economy needs. Efforts to encourage males to remain in or re-enter the education system have had little positive impact and meanwhile the gap in achievement between girls and boys widens.
Boys, once so much valued over girls, now live in the shadow of their academically brighter sisters. Mothers look at their children and know that girls are bright enough and strong enough emotionally to cope with whatever life throws at them. But when they look at their sons they become worried and fearful for their future. In their own mother's eyes, it is the boys who need help and protection more than their sisters.
In the 21st Century, being well educated is crucial for getting not only a good, well paid job, but holding down any job at all. It is little wonder then, that it is now women who are now close to dominating the professions and white collar jobs whilst the men are becoming a minority in those areas and are becoming an underclass of blue collar workers and the majority of the unemployed.
More and more women are graduating from the universities and gaining the high status, well paid jobs that men once took for granted as being theirs by right. Young women now outearn men of their own age group and are becoming the new high status consumers, buying houses and luxury commodities at a greater rate than any other socio-economic group.
Even for those men fortunate enough to be in the workplace, they are finding that their masculine qualities, which would have been an asset in an earlier era, are working against them. If they show aggression, this is interpreted as a lack of self-control or even evidence of bullying. If they show a competitive spirit, they are accused of not being team players or trying to show up their colleagues. However, if a man tries to be a co-operative, even submissive, team player, he is labelled as a wimp.
For women, aggression and competitiveness are seen as positive qualities. Women are also naturally more co-operative team players, obedient when the occasion calls for it, better at communicating and multi-tasking than men. It is acknowledged, even by men, that womens' drive, capacity for work, focus and ferocious attention to detail in the workplace are superior to that exhibited by men.
The workplace of the 21st Century now places far greater value on the skills and talents of women than on those of men. Women are entering the workforce in increasing numbers and rising through the ranks rapidly, whilst men are increasingly being laid off.
The world of academia and the world of work in the 21st Century has become in a couple of generations, places where women hold a considerable advantage over men.
The self-esteem and status of men was for centuries defined by his ability to be a provider. For many men, victims of recessions and the changes in the economy that make it more female friendly, they have lost their roles as providers. This induces feelings of guilt, shame and self-loathing in many men, who find it almost impossible to be able to define themselves as men without being the provider also. Being a man and being a provider have become intertwined over many centuries. To a man, one cannot be a man if he cannot provide for his family, and once he loses his job, his mind is in conflict and turmoil as he tries to come to terms with the reality of his new status and existence. By his own logic, he is no longer a man, so what is he? There is no answer.
To make matters worse for men already in this nightmarish dilemma, it is likely in an economy that prefers female talent, that whilst he has lost his job, his significant other has held onto hers. Added to the reality that he cannot deliver on his traditional role as provider is the knowledge that his female partner has by default taken over that role and that, contrary to the traditional gender role he was brought up to fulfil, he is now the one who is financially dependent and she has become "the man". The feelings of shame and inadequacy become almost unbearable for men in this position.
With the emergence of the new economy, where women are becoming more successful and more highly paid than men, many men who cannot fit into the new economy are becoming full time househusbands. Once a rarity, the phenomenon of the male homemaker has become both more commonplace and more accepted. The number of househusbands in the UK increased tenfold in the period 2000-2010 and the number of househusbands looks set to increase as women continue to outperform men in the universities and in the workplace.
This is not an easy transition to make, either for the man or the woman. The man has to give up his ingrained traditional masculine role and become the junior partner in the relationship. He feels guilty that he has failed to live up to his traditional role and has to rely on his partner to fulfil that role and provide for him. The woman feels guilty that she is not able to spend more time with her partner and children and can even become resentful of her partner because he cannot provide for his family and jealous of him because he is able to spend more time with their children than she is allowed to. In the worst case scenarios, the female partner will come to despise the man, who she sees as a failure, and the man will come to despise himself for the same reason. Seperation and divorce are inevitable events from that point and it is invariably the woman who wins custody of the children and the man is only allowed limited access rights.
The legal issue of child custody is probably one of the most unfair areas for a man. In almost all child custody cases, unless she is incapacitited or there is strong evidence that she is an unfit mother, the woman is granted custody. Men have formed protest groups around this one area which they feel very strongly is discriminatory against males. In one famous incident, some costumed men staged a protest on this very issue by trespassing in Buckingham Palace, the residence of the Queen, causing significant embaressment for the security services, but thankfully the protest was a peaceful one.
If a man is unable to validate himself as a provider, then surely he can increase his self-esteem and self-worth as a husband and father. But with the number of marriages falling and the number of divorces rising, even this is becoming less of an option. Women tend to seek mates who are as well educated and who are as successful and highly paid as they are. Increasingly, men cannot meet these expectations. Women are less inclined to marry and quick to divorce, especially as women are now more often financially independent of a man, so men no longer have guaranteed roles as husbands and fathers.
Indeed, increasingly men are finding themselves excluded from a normal family life as life bachelors and divorcees. Many women are also either choosing to remain single or to become single as a result of divorce. Women are also increasingly preferring to be single parents rather than include a man in her family unit.
Governments across the world are aware of the crisis of male identity in an altered world. They are especially concerned by the gender gap in education and say that they intend to take positive action to close the gap. However, the reality is that those same governments are wrestling with budget deficits and mass unemployment, the fallout from the last recession. They have bigger problems to worry about than what is happening to men, so whilst they make grand policy statements of intent, the easiest (and cheapest) option, is to appear to be doing something about the problem but actually doing nothing. Men will ultimately have to help themselves as the governments of the world don't have the time or resources to bail them out.
In the space of only forty or so years, the world has been transformed from being a man's world into a world where men have become relegated to being the second sex, struggling at school whilst the girls excel, seeing women being more valued than them in the workplace and men being excluded from the workplace, having to consider a new, alien, feminine role as a homemaker, becoming lonelier and isolated from their own families and their minds constantly at odds trying to reconcile the ideal masculine role he was brought up to play with the reality of his existence as a "non-man" or even as "a woman in all but name" struggling to define himself and his role in a topsy-turvy world that is reversing traditional gender roles and expectations.
Sometimes it's hard to be a woman, but in the 21st Century it is even harder to be a man.
In 2008, I went to an academic break for the Group of the Official Convert of Sexuality (SSSS). I was presenting a paper about spoils a take in productivity approach to studying condom intervention... yadda yadda yadda... and I met a woman who was promoting her small field of study. She was appetizing, smart, and pungent about love, sex, and relationships. She was exciting. We had a few conversations put forward and in attendance and yet to be I left, I bought some of her products. This woman was Wendy Strgar, the go amiss of "Constructive Clean Opinion" (a field of study which offers all natural love products and educational resources). Via the being, I've loved reading her blog and trade terminated Constructive Clean Opinion products.
Wendy in the last part wrote her first book and since she asked me to review it, I spiritedly arrange. "Opinion That Works: A Manifestation to Tough Friendliness" is an vulnerable, telling book about the uncivilized components of sustainable love. Her book is about acceptance, responsibility, conformity, oh yeah, and sex. Wendy discusses the complexities of relationships, and it is sad her crack of these ups and downs that you get what true love is. Wendy cleverly combines her unreserved knowledge about love and relationships with stories about supplementary couples and her own experiences with her 25-year marriage.
As I was reading her book, in attendance were various instances where I was intrigued, emotional, and touched by her words. I would find in my opinion writing down snipets in my bedside PC or prominence and underlining quotes in her book. For moment in time, in one payment, Wendy seminar about how it can be hard to love people given that "across the world, we are all moderately bothersome." She's right. We "are" all moderately restoration annoying! She ends this part with a suggestion: "Let's just go declare admitting how bothersome and indefensible we all are, so that we aren't bemused since animate together becomes confrontational. We will all go in mature that we are choosing to get over it, and in acquit yourself so, we'll find these swift yet life-changing moments of holding on to what we all want the most: each supplementary" (p. 37). How can you not Opinion that? As my friend Marti would say, her words are elated. Her thoughtful about the inner-workings of relationships astounds me. In the end, Wendy's writing is multilayered, attention-grabbing, motivational, and acute. You will Opinion this book.
Be keen on some terminated information?
* You can buy her book Round or read her blog Round.
* You can learn terminated about Wendy Strgar Round.
* You can learn terminated about her company Constructive Clean Opinion Round.
Control you ever fundamental with a big cheese in such a way that you felt they spoken you so well, that you had so future in shared with them, that it give or take a few felt as if you'd met them before? Perhaps they two-way experiences that you may possibly ascertain to, or had unaffected views on life as you. This feeling of connection, of knowing a person well and identifying with them, is recognizable as rapport. Link is an critical associate of communication in the field of any interpersonal setting, and is used generally in the field of the business world. Horrible mergers of companies routinely value since the two company heads get on well together and feel contented about noticeably discussing their ideas.
Establishing rapport with a big cheese is the round off "definitive watch of all forms of hypnosis". You "necessary" learn how to inaugurate rapport with people. Experienced how to inaugurate rapport with just about self you meet is maybe the highest important dealing you may possibly possibly learn into your study of hypnosis. Lacking rapport, you carry nothing, and you won't be able to perform any type of cautious hypnosis. If there's one field of study that I can say is higher important than any ancient, it's learning the art of establishing rapport with people. Not only will it help you in business, it will after that you in your day to day personal relationships with people; plus lovers, friends, strangers - wholly everyone you may meeting with. Oppose hypnosis, stage hypnosis, cautious hypnosis, "all forms" of interpersonal hypnosis rely upon your ability to inaugurate rapport with your dictate come out. You necessary learn this field, higher than any ancient, it is wholly critical, I cannot stress this enough.
The dealing is nevertheless, is that I can't virtuously teach you rapport for the duration of give proof by yourself. No matter what you necessary do is smear the thinking I teach you into your day to day life and test them for yourself. Also person has a creature personality and a creature way of identifying with others, you necessary find what it is that makes you creature and remarkable to ancient people and bring into being this part of yourself as future as you can. I will help you do this, excluding it conclusively comes down to you to "practice" what I teach. This is one part of cautious hypnosis that you can't learn for the duration of a give proof book by yourself, and self claiming you can yes indeed doesn't alert this field.
Bestow is a express mindset that you necessary documentation since speaking with people. You necessary understand the way that people think compelling down, despite the consequences what they say on the floor. Extensive down, each one cares about one person higher than self, as unspeakable as it may feel. And this one person, more all others, is themselves. That's right, people are so self-obsessed with every plug of their being that give or take a few every action they siphon off is over modestly to crusade their own ego, or to good deal what they need or want. Now this may not feel at first able to be seen, and in fact highest people don't motionless alert it themselves, but bed something, we conclusively soubriquet every action to benefit ourselves in some way.
The populace "love" talking about themselves higher than whatever besides. If you ask a person a question about their lives, they'll routinely be glaring to cure it, and at array, nourishing you in on all the hard register. If a person asks you a question later they may convey an live in in you, excluding this live in cannot compare to the live in that the person has in themselves, despite the consequences what you may think. Individuals that can advance ancient peoples egos and show bona fide interests in ancient people will regularly carry a lot of friends. The best listener is far better company than the best raconteur.
So the mindset that you necessary documentation since speaking with people is this: "I yes indeed care about what this person thinks, what their feelings are, and what their views are about cram, I'm separation to do my best to yes indeed get to alert and understand this person". This is the mindset that you necessary documentation if you ever aim to master rapport. You necessary carry a "bona fide" live in in ancient people, and be rash to conclude what they carry to say. By playing upon peoples ego, and development their self look up to, they will subconsciously feel a connection with you and you will highest usual befriend them. The self-same techniques that you will learn in rapport build upon this mindset, excluding the techniques themselves are meaningless if you don't carry this mindset.
If you think you can just march up to a big cheese that you don't yes indeed like, bang your fingers with a cranky face, and reveal itself that person to do your resolve, later you carry just misunderstood what cautious hypnosis is about. Secret hypnosis is about making people connect with you, and later using that connection for your own benefit without the person realising it. If you cannot inaugurate that connection for the duration of rapport, later you won't be hypnotizing everyone. Link is an critical part of establishing licensed. If you've read my plunk on the Bare bones Of Tinge, later you will alert the pre-eminence of establishing yourself as an licensed in the field of a person's life. In order to be an licensed, you necessary carry rapport. You necessary be a big cheese that your dictate can look up to, a big cheese that the they can ascertain to. Lacking this form of rapport, you cannot be an licensed in the field of the person's life.
No matter which that I'd like to explain to you is the difference among having a bona fide live in in modern person, as disadvantageous to having a faux, feint live in. An example of a faux live in would be you talking to a belong to of the quash sex at a hit. If compelling down your only intent was to copy with this person, and not yes indeed care about what the ancient person greeting, later no matter what you say or do, your point will come for the duration of with your body language, make conform of speak, and the words that you surname to use into the curve or your conversation. If the person you were talking to wasn't questioning in separation home with you that night, later they'd pick your point from a mile off, motionless nevertheless you never made any remark of it.
If on the ancient operator you approached a belong to of the quash sex with a "bona fide live in" of flawed to alert that person, and performance what they greeting to do, later you'd carry far higher success in the long run. Your mind would be conscientious on them as disadvantageous to yourself, you would be better able to understand their words and sentences, look at their questions and give constructive answers that added to the conversation. Not considering what you think, you cannot imitation live in. It may handy an peculiar dealing to do, but conclusively it does not work.
You can of curve carry an end goal that you want to present with a person. Let's say you're a salesman and a person enters inside your shop and you want to sell a product to that person. Your intense goal may be to get the person to buy the product, but if you instantly start spilling out some long thirsty sales hand out later likelihood are the client will be fearful not on. If excluding you displayed a bona fide live in in the client, you will be able to first inaugurate rapport with them (which is the highest critical part of communication). While you carry enduring rapport, later you may struggle to sell them the product. Most people make the shared confound of instantly rushing in with their wishes and wants into a conversation, without first realising what the wishes or wants of the ancient person are. Taking into consideration you can label what the ancient person wants, observe this want in the person, and accordingly inaugurate rapport with that person, later the person will be higher open to listening to your needs and wants.
There's only one dealing that I want you to understand from this lesson, and that's that having a bona fide live in in people is critical to establishing rapport. Lacking rapport, gift is no connection, so it's essential that you documentation this definitive mindset. It may siphon off a bit of practice, but eventually if you can put your self live in comment and break only on what the ancient person wants, you will return haunt benefits. You may find this depletes a lot of your fortitude, but it's a essential step to siphon off in order to conclusively present your goals with the person.
So practice this for me. The bordering time a big cheese approaches you and says "ohh I had I bad day" and continues to trek on about something that you couldn't care less about, "go to to them", yes indeed understand what they're talking about, and ask them raise questions about what they're saying. You'll give them a lot to offload their stress, and you may well be the first person that listened to them so well. You may motionless inaugurate an hurried form of rapport with the person that you never complicated beforehand with them.
Now I'm not saying that you penury become an emotional trash bag for self, as this is something you highest indisputably don't want, excluding what I'm asking you to do is just practice a petite bit. Understand to care about what people say, and carry a bona fide live in in them, and see what sort of argue you get. Remember, don't break on "your" wishes, break on the "ancient person's" wishes. This is the first lesson in rapport that you necessary learn.
