I had several girlfriends, sometimes simultaneously, until I met the "woman of my dreams". We had a torrid affair and after several months we married. Two years later, we had our first child but by then the honeymoon was over. We always got along well but the differences in our personalities, intellect, dreams, ambitions and favorite pastimes became pronounced. I rationalized that no one is perfect and that a good marriage requires certain compromises, accepted it all as just part of married life and - because the sex was always awesome and our combined incomes provided everything we desired - resolved to be a good husband and father. We had two more kids, raised them well and strong and continued in our "content" mode for 30 years, though I always longed for the days when I was single and free to date whomever I pleased. This longing to enjoy the company of a variety of women manifested only in an increasing submerged resentment on my part for the mundanity of our existence. She had her career and I had mine. And both of us being Type As, we poured our souls into them, working all hours and only seeing each other briefly in the morning and before sleep. We did take steps to ensure we spent some "quality time" together on the weekends - even had a "date night." But such dates were more like a meeting of the family Board of Directors, conversations centering on kids, bills, work, etc. - a great partnership as managers and bedmates, but bereft of any real romance and adventure. My attempts at same were much appreciated and enjoyed, but our underlying personality differences on that score belied them as the charades they actually were. This set the stage for both of us having long unfulfilled needs, needs that could not be fulfilled through each other.
Simultaneous to the 2008 economic downturn, she had a several month long affair and reported it to me after she had ended it for the good of our marriage. Almost overnight, both our careers were in ruin as well as our long "contended" marriage. We went through counseling and tried to fix something we had put so much of our lives into. But the more we dug down deep into the causes and unexpressed feelings, the more it became clear to me our fundamental incompatibility with respect to each other and, for me, with respect to the upper middle-class treadmill lifestyle she treasured. Both events ripped away the social veneer we had worked so hard to maintain, and exposed who we really are without it. It also brought to light for me why I had remained in it for so long. More than mere convenience, companionship and possession, there was the fear of losing same. I had compromised my personal freedom and autonomy for them, and her, and had failed to embrace the fact that I had regretted it ever since. Facing those fears as the mere shadows they actually were, and re-engaging with who I actually am, made them evaporate.
Although it was stressful and painful to confront the fact that one's entire life is merely a hard-won facade, it is truly liberating. Despite her great anguish, regret and professed love me for me, now that the kids were all grown and independent I decided that we should go our separate ways. Though she did not ask, I gave her all of our worldly possessions - material things that I now viewed as merely burdensome old baggage accumulated as part of a delusion - and, taking not more than the weight limit for international flights, took off for foreign shores to fully regain perspective.
It has been 4 years now and, though living a minimalist lifestyle, I have met many incredible women, a few of which I maintain ongoing relations.
When a man realizes that it is his evolutionary nature to lead his own life without compromise and have or not have as many women in his life as he chooses and at his discretion, many of the problems causing much of the angst expressed on this sight evaporate, as does women's behavior toward him.
I am glad to be among friends.
Source: dating-coach-anita.blogspot.com
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